love & hate, the paradox

2007-12-27T16:55:27Z

see the stone set in your eyes
see the thorn twist in your side
i wait for you

sleight of hand and twist of fate
on a bed of nails she makes me wait
and I wait without you

With or without you

through the storm we reach the shore
you give it all but I want more
and I'm waiting for you

with or without you

i CAN't live
with or without you

my hands are tied
my body bruised, she's got me with
nothing to win and
nothing left to lose

i CAN't live
with or without you

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am i going mad? or is bono starting to make some sense? :o

is it really you? or is it just me? have i become that detached from myself and reality?

i think i am not meant for this world or for any other world. i am meant to be alone. in a room. locked up. dead to the world.

i really don't understand it. you made me so miserable but without you i am still miserable.

is it not you and really just me? what have i done to become like this?

i need answers and i have nowhere to find them. not here. not in this life. so where do i go?

what do i do? how to feel? how to think? how to act? what am i doing?

in the span of my years since i took my philosophy of the hp i have shrunken up and have become half the person i once was. i have not grown at all. i am deteriorating. slowly. one day at a time.

Alone on the Road

2007-12-25T14:05:29Z

Life is like a great bicycle race, whose aim is to fulfill our personal legend, which, according to the ancient alchemists, is our true mission on earth.

We all set forth together, sharing friendship and enthusiasm; but as the rice progresses, that initial happiness gives way to the real challenges: tiredness, boredom, doubts about our own abilities. We notice that a few friends have, in their hearts, already given up. They are still cycling, but only because they cannot stop in the middle of the road. There are more and more of them, pedaling along beside the support vehicle – also known as routine – talking amongst themselves, fulfilling their obligations, but oblivious to the beauties and challenges of the road.

We eventually leave them behind us, and then we come face to face with loneliness, with unfamiliar bends in the road, and mechanical problems with our bicycle. At a certain stage, after suffering a few falls with no one near at hand to help, we begin to ask ourselves if it’s really worth all the effort.

Yes, it is. It’s just a question of not giving up. Father Alan Jones says that in order to overcome these obstacles, we need four invisible forces: love, death, power and time.

We must love because we ourselves are loved by God.

We must have an awareness of death in order fully to understand life.

We must struggle in order to grow, but without allowing ourselves to be deceived by the power that is gained through that struggle, because we know that such power is worthless.

Finally, we must accept that our soul – even though it is eternal – is at this moment caught in the web of time, with all opportunities and limitations.

Therefore, on our solitary bicycle race, we must behave as if time existed and do everything we can to value each second, to rest when necessary, but to keep cycling towards the divine light, and not be put off by any moments of anxiety.

These four forces cannot be treated as problems to be solved, because they are beyond anyone’s control. We must accept them, and let them teach us what we need to learn.

We live in a universe that is at once vast enough to enclose us, and small enough to fit inside our heart. In the soul of man is the soul of the world, the silence of wisdom. As we pedal towards our goal, we must make a point of asking ourselves: ‘What is beautiful about today?’ The sun might be shining, but if it happens to be raining, always remember that this only means that the dark clouds will soon have disappeared. The clouds do disappear; but the sun remains the same, and never goes away. In moments of loneliness, it is important to remember this.

When things get hard, let us not forget that – independent of race, colour, social situation, beliefs, or culture – everyone has experienced exactly the same.

-Like the Flowing River, Paulo Coelho

deadlongago

love & hate, the paradox

Alone on the Road